I love coming across a completely new concept that immediately lands in a way that feels instantly known and familiar. Listening to this episode of the Another Way podcast included one of those moments for me - I had no idea this topic was going to be so thought-provoking!
Matt (who I met this Summer at the 100 Human Experience in Somerset) interviews Dr. Carolyn Elliott who is a writer, coach, and expert in shadow integration.
She came up with the concept of Existential Kink (EK) as an alternative, playful way of exploring our shadows, blocks, and things that hold us back. This is so relevant for both business and personal life.
Carolyn's style is so completely different from mine, but there were so many takeaways from this episode which felt really powerful for me, so I wanted to share a little bit about what I learned and how it landed.
The kink part of the name is exactly what you think it is: usually talked about in relation to the bedroom, it's the enjoyment of things usually associated with pain or suffering, but which in a safe, consensual space might feel really good.
The existential part is the process of noticing if we might be 'enjoying the pain' in life and business, not just the bedroom! Carolyn and Matt talk about how confronting this can be to address, but game-changing if you're open to this key question:
'Is a part of me actually enjoying this struggle?'
Think about it; most of us have blocks and barriers in life that seem to keep reoccurring. Existential Kink asks us to explore our own role of responsibility in these patterns....
The example they gave is so relatable: stewing and analysing and talking with friends about a breakup which feels awful and confusing and hard. But is there a part of us which actually enjoys it?
This is an incredibly vulnerable place for deep self-reflection, for those who are ready for it. 'Is there a part of me that's actually more comfortable with pain than joy?' Maybe, Carolyn suggests, this is a key part of why we might experience repeating patterns of painful or unwanted experiences, even if cognitively we say we want something different.
If our body/soul/energy actually really likes the familiar discomfort, it's going to keep coming back to us again and again.
In my mind, this is like the icky pleasure of picking a scab. We can get so attached (Carolyn would say turned on) to the parts of ourselves that we cognitively don't like. Is it possible that we might not actually want them to heal and change on a subconscious level?
For example, someone might complain all the time about being broke, but secretly they kind of love the 'down and out artist' vibe. Or, a person might say they really want to be in a relationship, but actually they're proud of their 'lone wolf' persona.
I think if most people were honest, they could find something in their life that they love to hate. The idea of everything being perfect is actually very uncomfortable for most of us, so we carry these 'wounds' and sometimes wear them as proud scars. This could be a really interesting place to do some exploratory journaling. It's also a powerful place to start coaching.
Now, this concept isn't foolproof. There are several caveats listed, and cynics could definitely pick holes in the idea. But in my mind, there's something worth exploring here. If we really do want things to change and blocks to shift, then bringing awareness to those 'love to hate' parts of our lives is key.
Awareness, turned into acceptance, allows for transformation.
This makes me thing of the famous Carl Jung quote: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
When these tricky, deep-rooted shadow parts of ourselves go unacknowledged, that's when they can end up running the show. By curiously noticing: 'oh, I've walked straight into this suffering again, maybe I'm choosing this for myself because on some level it feels good', we give ourselves the option to change.
Little inklings of this idea have been dipping in and out of my consciousness for a while now, and this podcast really landed the concept front and centre for me! I'm excited to start exploring this on a personal and business level, as well as sharing the idea with clients who might be ready to hear it within coaching sessions.
The podcast is here if you'd like to listen in full. I'd love to hear how this lands for some of you! Maybe it's a flat out rejection, or maybe it ignites a spark of intrigue.
(The main caveat to be aware of in this work is that it's not a great approach for somebody in a low-energy depression - rumination and self-deprecation are not going to help in this instance. The vibe that comes across in the podcast is one of highly self-aware, playful curiosity and empowerment. This is quite 'advanced' level work that they suggest doing from a place of grounded stability, not of heightened emotion or dysregulation.)
I really recommend some of Matt's other interviews as well, I particularly liked the ones with Alison Rice and Julia Vogl. When you're self-employed, inspiring chats like this are really uplifting.
Happy listening, and let me know if you've got questions about how this relates to your business marketing! My messages are always open on Instagram.
Emily x