Self-compassion is quite a simple concept that can sometimes be challenging to put into practice... but it doesn't need to be. Once understood and implemented, it can be life-changing.
The basic idea is that it's much more useful, productive and rewarding to be kind to ourselves than to waste our energy on self-criticism and 'tough love'.
To commit to self-compassion is to keep choosing a kinder way of speaking to yourself, in small steps, day by day. It's not a 'quick fix', it's a conscious lifestyle habit to be developed over time.
Kristin Neff's Research
Kristin Neff is maybe the most famous researcher on self-compassion, and her model has three main components:
Self-Kindness: the basic summary of this is to treat yourself with the same kindness and care that you would offer to a close friend in times, especially in challenging times.
Common Humanity: accepting the idea that suffering and imperfection are a natural part of the human experience. By recognising that everyone struggles and makes mistakes, we can feel more connected and less isolated when we have difficulties.
Mindfulness: being able to observe your emotions with some perspective creates a kind of metacognition, which can help cultivate self-compassion. For example, noticing: 'oh, I'm being really hard on myself today because I didn't get enough sleep this week and I'm overtired.'
Self-Compassion for Embodying Your True Potential
Kristin Neff celebrates the benefits of practicing self-compassion, reiterating that it is actually essential if we want to fulfil our creative and personal potential.
Good self compassion means better well-being, resilience, and overall mental health, which has a direct impact on our relationships and productivity. The opposite of self-compassion (self critique) is like wearing a heavy weight around our neck that slows us down whenever we try to do anything brave, innovative or unfamiliar.
Releasing this weight and replacing it with a gentle encouraging hand opens up infinitely more potential for us to go out into the world as our true selves. We are going to better embody our purpose and potential if we are supported rather than criticised, and this starts as an inside job.
So How Do I Actually Do It?
Awareness, awareness, awareness! The biggest steps to practicing self-compassion are:
Deciding that you're on board with the concept and committing to being kinder to yourself.
Becoming curiously aware of when you are doing the opposite (being self-critical).
Switching the narrative for kinder self-talk.
It's like flexing a muscle and building a habit, the more you do, the stronger it grows over time. However, you can also boost some of this habit building with some conscious journal prompts around self-compassion. Some of my suggestions are:
What did I do really well today?
What can I forgive myself for?
How did I let myself explore and grow through this situation?
Where do I need more support and protection for myself?
This last prompt brings me onto a crucial element of self-compassion that often gets forgotten...
Self-Compassion Is Not All Fluffy, Gentle and Passive
As well as hand-on-heart self-kindness and being gentle with ourselves, self-compassion can also mean needing to be fierce, empowered and protective. As always, this needs to remain in balance, but if you know you're disproportionately in your 'vulnerability' energy more than your 'protector' energy, this one's for you:
'Fierce self-compassion' is a powerful practice that asks for strength, resilience, and determination in protecting yourself. (Think 'Mama Bear defends her cubs' energy!!)
Practically, this could look like setting firm boundaries, advocating for yourself, saying 'no', and more firmly expressing your needs and wants. This requires courage and I know you can do it.
If these sentences trigger you into thinking 'no, I can't do that, that's being horrible to people and I believe in being polite'... then I want you to know that I feel that too! Which is exactly why we need to start practicing it. The 'good girl' who never asks for anything is such a disempowered archetype, and I bet you (like me) have a long way to go before you turn into a mean old ogre who is fierce when it's not needed. Mama bear only defends her cubs when she needs to, and that's the difference.
A deeper dive post on fierce self-compassion to come...
Learning More
If anything in this post has clicked with you and you recognise the need for greater self-compassion in your mission to find your purpose and potential, read on as we have only just scratched the surface here!
Kristin Neff has featured on a number of podcasts where she talks about self-compassion and has also written several books on the topic:
And remember, you can read all the books you like, but the change only happens when you start putting the learning into practice! As a reminder, the prompts I created are:
What did I do really well today?
What can I forgive myself for?
How did I let myself explore and grow through this situation?
Where do I need more support and protection for myself?
And you can switch the 'day' for 'week' or 'month' depending on how often you are able to reflect.
Be kind to yourselves,
Emily xx